Open a file.
Enter a name. The Bureau accepts this as sufficient evidence of a human.
Snack status: under review
Official paperwork confirming
you are not food.
It protects sharks considerably more than it protects you.
Personalized shark paperwork for friends, coworkers, beach-worriers, and anyone operating without adequate snack-denial documentation.
The Alliance is fictional. The conservation commitment is real.
Finnley Mako
Press spokesperson. Slightly offended by Hollywood.
Luna Reef
Misunderstanding Prevention. Reads, initials, occasionally redacts.
How the Bureau proceeds
Your snack status has entered formal review.
Receive a ruling.
An official-looking certificate. Frames beautifully. Stops no sharks.
Fund the better side.
Your protection is ceremonial. The shark conservation is not.
Certificates
Choose the paperwork that best matches the situation.
All three are personalized and delivered digitally. The real difference is conservation allocation, ceremonial status, and whether the Bureau is clearing a human or a place.
Most Popular
Entry tier
Protected Friend Status
$4
The everyday certificate. Personalized, giftable, and official-looking enough to raise polite questions at work. One dollar of it is set aside for shark conservation.
- Personalized digital certificate
- $1 to conservation
- Instant download — print and frame
Premium tier
Non-Snack Recognition
$19
The same certificate, with louder conviction. For humans who would rather be filed as a person than a snack — and want a bigger share going to the sharks.
- Everything in Protected Friend
- $12 to conservation — 12x basic allocation
- More serious official status
For businesses
Shark-Free Zone
$99
A certificate for a place, not a person. Formally declares an office, café, or aggressively land-based room off the shark menu — and sends the most to conservation.
- Business or space certificate
- $70 to conservation — most of any tier
- Highest Bureau recognition
Real Impact
The joke is fictional. The impact is not.
~100M
sharks estimated killed by humans annually
<10
human fatalities from sharks in most years
⅓
of all shark species are threatened
450M
years sharks have survived on Earth
The paperwork is fake. The allocation is not. Each certificate sets aside real money for shark and ocean conservation, starting with the first public allocation target. Shark Trust, Oceana, Shark Conservation Fund and Malpelo Foundation. The rest keeps the Alliance's one-person land-based bureaucracy operational, which is less majestic but regrettably necessary.
Be among the first wave of diplomats.
Every certificate is assigned a private registry record. Public listing is optional and appears only if you choose to make it visible. Every dollar is tracked; the paperwork remains appropriately dramatic.